Turning thirty meant a lot to me. I didn’t know it until it actually happened.
Birthdays aren’t something I usually celebrate, so it passed like any other day.
Thirty is a huge landmark in the progression of my life. That means with the disease I have, Duchenne’s Muscular Dystrophy, that I can reasonably expect to live another decade or maybe two or who knows even longer.
Death is like a feeling of finality. After that point, everything you could have possibly done and didn’t was a lost opportunity. That everything other people have invested in you was a waste if you didn’t leave anything of value behind. That there’s a limited time to get everything you want out of life, and then it’s over.
It made me wish I could experience my current reality ahead of time instead of just known about it. I’m on a ventilator all the time and unable to speak in conventional terms. And that’s in addition to my generalized weakness which keeps my in a bed or wheelchair 24/7. All the movement I have left is a tiny bit in my hands, feet, neck and face.
That sort of foresight isn’t possible thought. I wished I’d lived my life differently, instead of trying to prove my worth all the damn time. I wished I’d worked on myself a little earlier or known I needed to. That I would’ve made more friends and had the social skills to do so. I was basically a bully, pushing other people down to feel a little okay about myself. My answer was to keep my mouth shut and basically never talk or instantly regret it the moment that I did. But the question with all this rehashing of the past is what’s the use? The past is done. There isn’t a time machine to go back and fix all of our mistakes. All we can change is the future.
I’m trying to focus on the future, instead of recriminations from the past. What will I regret most on my last day? What can I accept as unfinished? I have a goal to be traditionally published. The best compromise I can think of is switching that to an abundance mindset. I changed my goal to publishing things on my website which I already do. And started thinking of anything more as a bonus on top of that. I can live with that. I always wanted to have friends and staying in contact with them is my new goal. Writing something is another goal.
I may not accomplish everything I set out to do. With the time that I have left, I have to pack in as much happiness as I can into each and every day. And don’t stress too much about it. A stressed out mindset isn’t happy, it’s terrified.
That’s my new outlook. A perfect day for me would be writing, talking to people I know and friends as well, doing mediation, listening to music, and improving myself. Find your perfect day and start living it today.